Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
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Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
this has to be peak English
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.