This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
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GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
How to woo a woman
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight