Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
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Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.