“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
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Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …