Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
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Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Everything reminds me of my ex
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.