The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
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friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.