her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
You Might Also Like
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”