*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
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I want what they have
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Good morning
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.