I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
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There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”