Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
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Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.