why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
You Might Also Like
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor