1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
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sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Peace was never an option
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché