[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
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My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Lmfao
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.