Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
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I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine