My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
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Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
This will never not be funny to me.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.