Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
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The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table