Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
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Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Cheer up.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.