Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
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So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
When you’re here for the treats.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.