I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
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[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home