trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
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Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA