Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
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He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
This is always good for a laugh.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.