My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
You Might Also Like
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
accurate
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
when nothing goes right… go left
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”