Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
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Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.