Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
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There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.