Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
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[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button