Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
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A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Phonetics
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Somebody call the cops.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.