It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
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[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.