So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
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Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!