Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
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How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
absolutely not
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.