Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
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Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
good for her
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT