“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
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Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.