9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
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Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.