Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Just a friendly reminder!
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.