“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
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I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
iPhone X
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
tinder is all about the long game
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?