In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
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The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Love this guy
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less