I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
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It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
A new level of troll.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward