By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
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‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Spa day..😅
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Wait a second…
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*