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A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph