The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
You Might Also Like
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.