“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
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If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
The government even made aliens boring
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey