in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
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*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark