Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

lumberjacks will cut a birch

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

Follow me for more fitness tips.

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Good morning, Twitter 😊

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

🛁

*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*

mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you