A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
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This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face