My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
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I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
🙄😏😂🤣
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
This guy gets it.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter