Education is vital
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Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Favourite diary entry ever
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.