“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
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Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.