My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
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I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
that wasn’t the question
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”