Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
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Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.