I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
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Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Sniffing the broccoli