Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
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I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?